


Do not imagine that leadership is a pleasure

by Saffronra



Category: British Government Cats RPF
Genre: Gen, Yuletide Treat
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 00:57:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13135809
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Saffronra/pseuds/Saffronra
Summary: A new political animal arrives on Whitehall - something will need to be done to preserve order.





	Do not imagine that leadership is a pleasure

**Author's Note:**

  * For [ambyr](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ambyr/gifts).



> I couldn't resist this fandom, I hope you enjoy this Ambyr.
> 
> Please skip to the end for content notes and warnings.

The gaggle of humans with their cameras and microphones was larger than usual, Palmerston noted as he reached the railings that marked the edge of his territory and the start of Larry’s. He sniffed, hoping to catch a whiff of mouse or even of Larry himself. The afternoon had yielded a few dreamies from some of the better trained officials in his department, but Palmerston was feeling restless and ready for a bit of hunting. 

He’d just fixed his attentions on a nearby pigeon when a sudden surge of noise from the press pack startled it into flying off. Curious, Palmerston slipped between the railings to get a better look at the cause of the commotion and was shocked to see the Battersea Dogs and Cats Home van pulling into Downing Street. Surely, he thought, they weren’t going to be adding another cat. The arrival of Evie and Ossie had already disrupted the local rodent economy significantly. 

Unconsciously his fur started to stand on end as he fixed his eyes on the doors of the van. A number of officials had emerged from Number 9 to welcome it, causing a stir of interest among the press corps. Finally, the van door opened and with an excited bark a small bulldog jumped down to the street. Palmerston froze as one of the officials called out to the press “We’d like to introduce the newest member of the team at DExEU, Winston!”. The press, immediately started shouting questions, flashes lighting up the street. Palmerston was unimpressed. This was going to be a problem.

After waiting for Larry to show any level engagement with the cataclysmic events taking place on, ostensibly, his turf. Palmerston eventually was forced to go looking. He found Larry settling in for a shit in the Rose Garden. He contemplated just leaving Larry to find out the bad news for himself, but some tiny shred of feline solidarity led Palmerston to stand his ground and stare pointedly at Larry until he had finished his business. Larry gave Palmerston the filthiest of looks as he started kicking soil over his leavings.

“You’d better have a good reason for being this far into my territory”

Palmerston could feel all of his good will rapidly evaporating. 

“I was here to warn you about the new arrival, but you can investigate for yourself”, he gave Larry a warning hiss before neatly jumping up onto the wall. That was a much better height to look down at his rival disdainfully. “He seems more your intellectual speed.”

With that, Palmerston turned tail to head back towards his empire. Let Larry come crawling onto his territory when he discovered the urgency of the situation.

It was the next day before Larry finally managed to get Palmerston’s attention. The officials at the Foreign Office were both very loyal and well trained. Palmerston used them to help to enforce his territorial boundaries. He had already been shooed away three times that day and Larry was forced to lurk unobtrusively amongst the bikes until Palmerston finally strolled past.  
“Pssssst”, Larry hissed self-consciously. “Hey over here.”

Palmerston briefly considered pretending he hadn’t heard and continuing to stroll past. He had a busy schedule today doing his rounds of all the teams who kept cat treats on hand for him. Any other time, he would have given Larry a perfect view of his butt as he strolled away. But there were bigger things going on and so, sadly, Palmerston put his pettiness aside and sidled over to join Larry.

“There’s a dog! On Downing Street! Bloody DExEU have got a stupid dog! What are we going to do?!” Larry’s outrage was almost comical. His tail swished angrily from side to side.

“It’s under control”, Palmerston replied smugly. “I have a plan.” It was a great plan, even if he did say so himself. All they needed to do was entice the dog into disgracing itself and wait for him to be retired to ‘a civil servant’s home in the country’.

“Just be ready to do your part,” he warned Larry. “We’ll get that dog out of here before they’ve even managed to set-up a twitter account for him.”

It was only a matter of waiting for Lawrence to make good on his promise of being able to obtain something through a mole in Jordan and getting it into the next diplomatic bag. Palmerston couldn’t take any risks that this package would be intercepted in the regular post!

Meanwhile, Palmerston bided his time by surveilling the new arrival. He hadn’t previously thought it was possible to find an animal even stupider than Larry. But DExEU had managed it. Winston was frequently seen loose in the traffic free part of Downing Street. Palmerston would have assumed, if Winston had shown any evidence of cat-like intellect, that it was to endear himself to the press. Sadly it seemed more to do with him needing somewhere to defecate. Like some kind of animal who was incapable of learning to use a litter tray.

The surveillance also gave Palmerston a chance to note the comings and goings of various humans on the street. For the plan to work, they needed people who came and went regularly and that either one of them would have access to.

Finally, the package arrived. Even through the glass and the bubblewrap, the scent made Palmerston’s stomach turn over, but he knew it would work wonders on Winston.

He waited until night fell and the buildings fell quiet, all his staff had gone home for the day. The loud footfalls of the security guard patrolling in the other direction indicated that it was safe to make the dash to Downing Street, Larry’s half of the package held between his teeth, without arousing any suspicion from the humans.

He left the phials in a pre-arranged spot, tucked away at the edge of the doorstep in front of number 10, where even Larry couldn’t fail to find them again. While he was at it, he let loose a stream of urine as close to the threshold of the door as he dared. Might as well leave a little reminder to Larry about who was really in charge around here.

Satisfied with his work, Palmerston turned back towards the Foreign Office where his favourite snoozing chair was waiting.

The following day was the agreed day to put their plan into action. While the majority of the humans around the place were largely interchangeable, and only identifiable as to whether they ever dispensed treats or not, it was impossible to escape the fact that the blond man who was often in Palmerston’s office was someone who quite frequently went over the road to visit Larry and Larry’s staff. Palmerston had already been onto Downing Street to do start spreading some of the chemical charm that would lead to Winston’s downfall among the ankles of the press corps. The blond was the last piece in the plan.

Patience came easily to Palmerston. Particularly when there were so many comfortable locations in the building for him to stretch out it. Happily though, it wasn’t long before the blond man finally turned up. It didn’t take much work to smear the dog pheromones over the cuffs of his trousers and tops of his shoes under the guise of an affection leg wind as the man walked down the stairs. The smell still made Palmerston want to gag, but this would be worth it when the plan worked.

Job done, he took off to one of the upper floor windows overlooking Downing Street. He definitely didn’t want to be anywhere near Winston when everything went down, but he’d still need a good vantage point.

He caught a glimpse of Larry emerging from Number 10, pausing only to rub his face against the ankles of the police officer on duty by the door. Palmerston did not even try to suppress a satisfied purr at the image that conjured. All they needed now was for Winston to be let out for his morning ablutions.

The sun was significantly higher by the time Winston finally emerged from Number 9. Palmerston’s stomach was just starting to rumble and he’d been slightly concerned he was going to have to hunt down lunch before the fun got started. He pressed his nose up to the glass in anticipation.

On the street below, Winston had clearly got his first whiff of the pheromones. Even though he would have been neutered by the shelter, he would still have urges and Lawrence had assured Palmerston that this stuff was so strong that no dog on Earth would be able to resist the siren call. Sure enough, Winston was by now racing towards the press corps, tongue lolling out and increasingly visibly excited. No sooner had he reached the first set of ankles, he closed his eyes and began humping urgently.

The press corps were collectively silent for a split second of shock before pandemonium broke loose. Having been evicted from the first ankle, Winston was now onto a second new set of ankles and clearly enjoying every thrust he was making. By now, the police officer had wandered over from the door of Number 10 only to find that her ankles were now Winston’s next target. 

Palmerston could see Larry sitting on one of the stone pillars, tail tucked around his feet primly, looking like the cat that got the cream. The chaos below was intensifying as the blond had turned up now as well, trapped waiting for the door to open while Winston was frantically mounting his right foot. The press corps had moved on from their own selfish concerns about the insatiable dog and were clearly finding this latest coupling hilarious. Palmerston could see one intrepid photographer manoeuvering to get a better shot of what looked increasingly like the moment that Winston was finally going to ejaculate.

It was at the exact moment of the peak of Winston’s adventure that Larry’s owner finally opened the door to Number 10. With one sweeping look, she took in the whole scene. While Palmerston couldn’t hear what she said, the tone and meaning were unmistakable even from this distance. An official darted around Larry’s owner to grab Winston by the collar and lead him towards Number 9. Larry’s owner looked very much as if she wanted to drag the blond man away by the collar in disgrace too. 

As quickly as it began, it was over. Palmerston stretched out his spine and jumped down from the window sill. There wouldn’t be any further developments for at least another couple of hours, he might as well go and find lunch.

 

**Department for Exiting the European Union announcement  
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE**

_The Department for Exiting the European Union has made the difficult decision that Winston will have a more enjoyable and fulfilling life as a full-time pet without an official government role. He will continue to be cared for by a government official at his new home in the countryside._

**Author's Note:**

> This fic contains: cats being complete dicks, unrepentant bullying of a dog by cats, non-consensual drugging of the dog (to no ultimate harm), unwanted sexual activity from a dog to a human (inappropriate mounting behaviour).


End file.
